This is the state of my life.

[elleflies]

Otherwise known as: I can't believe I'm posting this publicly, but it feels like the right thing to do.

As most of you know I did a complete 180 and had an interview with Continental Airlines for the position of flight attendant. I just found out today that I didn't get the job.

It wasn't entirely unexpected since I couldn't pin down how well I did in the interview and they had a huge number of candidates. They interviewed in Houston and Newark for 3-4 weeks for a limited number of spots. Considering the numbers and how young I am and my credentials, it's not all that surprising. But I am disappointed. I can't help but be.

I keep asking myself what I'm even doing in this city. I moved here in December, I lost my job with BGB in late January, I didn't get another job until March and lost it by April. So far, I've spent more time unemployed in this city then I have employed. I'm extremely fortunate in the circumstances that have allowed me to be able to live here still. Money isn't the problem though, there are always ways to get by and survive (and still keep your dignity intact). My problem seems to be that I just don't fit into the office workplace. I've tried and it didn't work out - actually, I've found that every time I've worked in an office I've been absolutely miserable. People have asked me how I like my job and if I'm having fun and all that stuff people ask when they think that you're fulfilling your dreams and climbing that corporate ladder to success and honestly all my "oh, I like it, and my co-workers are nice and I'm having fun" answers are as much to convince myself as it is to convince those asking. My parents could tell how depressed and miserable I was, but I couldn't.

I e-mailed my cousin last night and I was surprised to find that I was telling her how glad I was that I got fired. Honestly, I think it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Which is ironic considering that I still have no job, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life and I really don't have much money. But I am truly, deeply glad it happened. It opened my eyes to a lot of things that were going on in my life that perhaps I shouldn't have been going along with. I'm grateful they fired me, it got me out of an environment that was making me unhappier by the day and it really made me stop and look at my life and figure a few things out. For example, this dream of working in New York City as a designer. It was never really a dream of mine, it was something I was expected to do after graduation. The dream was always to live in New York City, being a designer here was always the add on. I realized that it's not okay for me to sacrifice my life for my career. And if I had stayed at that job, that's exactly what I would have been doing. That job would have eaten my life to the point that I wouldn't have even recognized myself.

So, yes, I'm pretty grateful that I got fired.

I also realized that once you start down the road of realizing just how unhappy you are, that opens the door for other realizations. Because you can either know that you're unhappy and stay unhappy or you can take a good hard look at your life and figure out just why you're so miserable. Part of my unhappiness, I realized, was that I'm the square peg in a round hole. I can't make myself fit into an office environment because it's like taking a walrus and releasing it into the Sahara Desert. I just don't fit in. The problem is, I haven't a clue where I belong. I don't know what I want to do or even who I want to be. I have no desire to work my way up the corporate ladder. The thought of fighting so hard to create items that will be tossed aside like so much trash doesn't appeal to me at all. So, I've got the education and the desire to do *something* but the thing is, I haven't a clue what that *something* is. I'm completely and totally baffled.

I generally have a really hard time being open about personal stuff. The above is typically about how far I go when it comes to opening up and discussing things, so the following stuff is really hard for me to write and open up about. Especially since is concerns religion, but it's been nagging at me, so I'm opening up about it.

I've always been more of a lip-service Christian then a practicing Christian. I never really mentioned God or Jesus or any of that because it felt un-politically correct and what if I offended somebody and what if I embarrassed myself, etc etc etc. I've done a pretty good job of ignoring it altogether over the years. I've found that it's easier to ignore God then it is to acknowledge Him.

Then I got fired and the life I thought I wanted and the dreams I thought I had and all my plans came crashing down around me.

It's hard to explain, and I don't really know what happened and it's not the imaginings of a scared girl. I may be confused about my future, and I may be somewhat apprehensive, but I'm not scared. I don't know what I want to do, but my future is still there and it's still going to happen, and me worrying about it is not going to change anything.

Everyone yearns for something, everyone wants to do something with their lives. Everyone it seems, is looking for a purpose. I came to the point in my life where I just did not know, and I still don't know, what I'm doing with my life. I'm tired of coasting from place to place, of sitting back and watching it all go by. The dreams and desires that everyone expects me to have are so different from the dreams and desires that I actually do have. I found graphic design jobs in offices because that's what everyone expected me to do - that's what everyone thought my dream was. For a time, even I thought that's what it was even though every time I tried to envision that dream, it never resolved itself. I remember BGB telling me that if I wanted the job it was mine and instead of feeling elated and excited and all the emotions that I thought I should have had, that everyone thought I did have. I could only feel dread and apprehension.

I don't want that to be my life. Constantly searching for a purpose, wandering from job to job trying to find a place, trying to find happiness.

Does the job you have dictate your emotional well being? I believe it does - to a point. I discovered where I don't fit, I just don't know where I do fit. And through all of this soul searching, there was always the little voice in the back of my head asking me why I was relying on my own strength when it was so completely obvious that I had so little strength left. So I quit relying on myself and just turned back to the religion that I'd tried for so long to ignore.

I discovered a few things in this time, such as I may have been ignoring God, but he was NEVER ignoring me. I may have been running from Him, but he always knew where I was and was always waiting for me with infinite patience. All the things anyone has ever told me about the peace of God and his strength turned out to be true. When I was younger I never understood how you could just turn everything over to God and dwell in perfect peace, I was always too busy stressing out and gnawing over my problems in my head, even though there was nothing I could do about it.

This period of my life, right now, could be considered one of the most difficult times I have ever lived through. But it doesn't feel that way.

To believe in God is to believe that he has your best interests at heart. And who better to trust my problems and worries to then the guy who created everything. I don't know where my life is going now, all I have to do is trust that God knows where its going and that there is a plan and purpose for me. I'm in the best of possible hands.

So I didn't get the job at Continental, and yes I am sad and disappointed, but those reasons have more to do with the fact that if I had gotten the job I would have been able to see my family again while at training in Houston, a training that would have coincided with my brothers leave from Iraq.

I'm not going to dwell on what ifs, it didn't happen and I have to look forward to what's in front of me even though I don't know what that may be. I have always believed that I'm in this state for a reason. My move came together too perfectly for this to be a cosmic mistake. And even though I will have been here a year come July, I still have faith that there's something here for me. I've come a long way since Texas and I'm discovering more and more that life is about the journey, not necessarily the destination. If that's all New York City is, a stop on the map before I get to where I'm going, then I'm still grateful for the experience and happy with what has happened while I've been here.

I didn't express that as eloquently as I could have, and it was hard for me to even express at all. All I know is that my life is changing. I could be stuck in the throes of self-pity and doubt and fear, but I'm not. Before I lost my job I didn't realize just how lost and lonely I was - how utterly miserable I was. And then everything came crashing down around me and I discovered that I had no one to turn to but God, because no one else could help me with my problems. I could barely even help myself! And I am so glad I did. I don't know who I'm going to be or what I'm going to do with my life. But slowly but surely I'm starting to like who I'm becoming.

And I think that matters more then just about anything right now.

I know I'll be okay. Times are hard, money is tight, and I am lonely. But I never expected an easy life and I'm more at peace with myself then I ever have been before.

Comments

[thekatebeyond.livejournal.com]

I think you're very brave. I just don't know that I could up and move to a strange (and kinda hostile) city on my own, much less stick it out there when everything falls apart. I give you a lot of credit.

Personally, in my wildest dreams, I never imagined the career I ended up with. But (this feels silly to say, but it's true) I feel I got there by divine intervention. I was in an corporate office job that made me miserable until the company relocated. I was out of work long enough to become desperate. One month, I was going to be short by $170 - the amount of my electric bill. Then I got a call; I was offered a job at the Barbizon School of Modeling. Despite an aversion to the company, I took it. After a few days, they called me and fired me. The boss handed me my paycheck - exactly $170.

The next day, I answered a blind ad and got an interview. The company turned out to be a wonderful charity. I'm still there 12+ years later.

[elrina753.livejournal.com]

I don't know whether I'd call it brave or insane. Although at the moment I'm leaning towards insane. It's definitly been fun though. This city is good for that.

Everything will work out (I'm such a glass half full type of person). It's really nice to hear stories like yours though. I've had quite a few people tell me things along those lines and it's always reassuring. Thanks for sharing. It helps. :)

[thekatebeyond.livejournal.com]

I don't know whether I'd call it brave or insane.

It is a fine line! *g*